Monday, January 4, 2010

Lehman Brightman 'Bureau of Caucasian Affairs'

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United Native Americans is proud to announce that it has purchased the state of California from the whites and is throwing it open for Indian settlement.
UNA bought California from three winos found wandering in San- Francisco. UNA decided the winos were the spokesmen for the white people of California. These winos promptly signed the treaty, which was written in the Lakota language, and sold California for three bottles of wine, one bottle of gin, and four cases of beer.
Lehman L. Brightman, the Commissioner of Caucasian Affairs, has announced the following new policies: The Indians hereby give the whites four large reservations of ten acres each at the following locations: Death Valley, The Utah Salt Flats, The Badlands of South Dakota, and the Yukon in Alaska. These reservations shall belong to the whites 'for as long as the sun shines or the grass grows' (or until the Indians want it back.)
All land on the reservations, of course, will be held in trust for the whites by the Bureau of Caucasian Affairs, and any white who wants to use his land in any way must secure permission from Commissioner Brightman.
Of course, whites will be allowed to sell trades and handicrafts at stands by the highway. Each white will be provided annually with one blanket, one pair of tennis shoes, a supply of Spam, and a copy of 'The Life of Crazy Horse'.
If you are competent enough, you will be able to be a BCA reservation superintendent. Applicants must have less than one year of education, must not speak English, must have an authoritarian personality, proof of dishonesty, and a certificate of incompetence. No whites need apply.
Commissioner Brightman also announced the founding of four boarding schools, to which white youngsters will be sent at the age of six (6). 'We want to take those kids far away from the backward culture of their parents,' he said. The schools will be located on Alcatraz Island, the Florida Everglades, Point Barrow Alaska, and Hong Kong. All courses will be taught in Indian languages, and there will be demerits for any child caught speaking English. All students arriving at the school will immediately be given IQ tests to determine their understanding of Indian language, spirituality and hunting skills.
Hospitals will be established for the reservations as follows: Whites at Death Valley may go to the Bangor, Maine Hospital; those at the Utah Salt Flats may go to the Juneau, Alaska Hospital; those at the Yukon may go to the Miami Beach Hospital; and those at the Badlands may go to the Hospital in Honolulu, Hawaii. Each hospital will have a staff of two part-time doctors and a part-time chiropractor who have all passed first aid tests. And each hospital will be equipped with a scalpel, a jack knife, a saw, a modern tourniquet, and a large bottle of aspirin.
In honor of the whites, many cities, street cars, sports teams and products will be given traditional white names.
One famous Indian movie director has even announced that in his upcoming film, 'Custer's Last Stand', he will use many actual whites to play the parts of the soldiers, speaking real English. But of course, the part of Custer will be played by noted Indian actor Jay Silverheels.
Certain barbaric white customs will, of course, not be allowed. Whites will not be allowed to practice their heathen religions, and will be required to attend Indian ceremonies. Missionaries will be sent from each Indian Nation to convert the whites on the reservations. White churches will either be made into amusement parks or museums, or they will be torn down and the bricks and ornaments sold as novelties, souvenirs and curiosities.

1 comment:

Rosemary Blanchard said...

Brenda, my dear,

What a raw deal for United Native Americans! California!! They bought California!!?? Those winos got a steal with the wine, gin and beer. Have you looked at the California economy lately? The center of the Milky Way is supposed to have a black hole that is eating the galaxy. I think the center of the center must be in California, somewhere around Sacramento where I currently scratch out a living in the dying field of education. Sacramento has hollow leg -- taking whatever its working people (those who still have jobs) can produce, swallowing it in one gulp and then demanding more. Normally, I think of United Native Americans as a pretty astute group of wheeler-dealers. But this time they got had!!

Maybe they can recoup some of the beer at a swap meet.


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Censored News is published by censored journalist Brenda Norrell. A journalist for 27 years, Brenda lived on the Navajo Nation for 18 years, writing for Navajo Times, AP, USA Today, Lakota Times and other American Indian publications. After being censored and then terminated by Indian Country Today in 2006, she began the Censored Blog to document the most censored issues. She currently serves as human rights editor for the U.N. OBSERVER & International Report at the Hague and contributor to Sri Lanka Guardian, Narco News and CounterPunch. She was cohost of the 5-month Longest Walk Talk Radio across America, with Earthcycles Producer Govinda Dalton in 2008:
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